My name is Agnes Evans. I'm a 17 year old cheerleader living in Athens, Ohio and I consider myself exceptionally average, with no "weird" or "extraordinary" traits that make me stand out. Throughout the show, I'm wearing a pink floral dress that just covers my knees, a gold heart necklace given to me by my mother, and a pair of gold hoop earrings from my boyfriend, Miles.
It's the spring of my senior year of high school, the week of the anniversary of my younger sister Tilly's death. The action begins on March 16, 2020 and ends on March 21, 2020.
I spend the duration of the game behind my computer screen at home, playing D&D virtually. The COVID-19 pandemic is not mentioned in the script, so it's presumed that in this universe, there is no pandemic. I'm in my childhood bedroom, in the house I grew up in with my sister and our two parents. I chose a camera angle with little information on the walls just in case this Chuck guy was a creep and not who I thought he was. I'm sitting at my desk, which has my school books and a picture of me and Tilly from a childhood beach trip on it. I keep it face down most of the time because looking at it can sometimes make me very upset. I keep my room tidy when I have the time, but recently my schedule has been packed from the combination of basketball season, applying to colleges, exam prep, and this new D&D endeavor.
At the start of the play, I've just discovered a small green notebook with complex instructions and weird markings in a box of Tilly's stuff in the attic. I was looking through her things because March 16th is the anniversary of her death (it's only been a year) and I was feeling sad and grieving her absence. I'm following a sort of detective trail to find out what this notebook means. There's a real name - Chuck Biggs - a gaming username - DM Biggs - and a phone number. I'm on the hunt for insight into my sister's personal life. I expect to learn about her weird fantasy games, but not to learn about her to the extent that I do.
While my sister was alive, we didn't interact much unless it was bickering. She was so weird to me with her fantasy games and incomprehensible jargon. I didn't understand anything about her interests, so I steered clear of them. I wanted to have a normal sister that I could share clothes and makeup with, but Tilly wasn't interested in those things. The only thing she ever borrowed from me was a flash drive so she could upload some theme music from Skyrim, which also was out of my realm. I hold so much regret over my neglect of her when she was alive, and the fact that I actually wished she didn't exist. I told her that I wished she was never born in one of our last fights, which was over something I can't even remember now. I'm riddled with guilt. I feel like I may have caused her death by wishing it aloud. I feel so responsible. I'm trying to make up for it now, but I can't change my behavior from when she was alive. During the game, I find out Tilly had a relationship with another girl at school. I have internalized homophobia at work in my head, growing up in the conservative town of Athens, Ohio, so I'm very shocked by this. I'm as straight as they come; I have no idea how a girl could be attracted to another girl because I've never personally experienced it. My sister being gay shook my perception of who I wanted her to be when she grew up, which is an average straight woman who would settle down with a husband (which are my own personal aspirations).
I started off thinking Chuck was just some greasy gamer like all of the stereotypes I saw in movies. He's a DM for a role-playing game, chugs Mountain Dew, and has no idea how to talk to girls. I think I'm way superior to him when I first meet him, and especially as we start getting into the adventure. As we talk more, I realize how caring and creative Chuck is. He's a genius at setting the mood for campaigns, can make really realistic conversations in character, and genuinely cares for me and my well-being beyond wanting to hook up with me (which is what I normally get from guys being a senior cheerleader). We grow closer throughout the course of the show and I consider him a friend by the end. Chuck and I have sarcastic banter, inside jokes, and enjoy playing D&D together. I'm so thankful that Tilly brought us together. He dissolved a lot of my misconceptions about D&D and the people who play it just by being himself.
Vera has been my best friend since freshman year when we sat next to each other in geometry. I'm okay at math, good enough to pass, but Vera can barely count - we bonded by studying together and quickly formed a lunchroom alliance. We sat together every day and Facetimed at night to do homework together. She tells me everything about her life: boys, family stuff, her favorite stuffed animal. I tell her what I can. I'm a very private person and I have a lot of trouble expressing my actual emotions in words, so most of my relationships are superficial. Vera and I talk about day to day stuff, but never about me. I'm always there for Vera when she needs someone and I take time to myself when I'm hurting. I just don't know how to tell other people why I'm feeling what I'm feeling, so instead I just don't say anything at all. Tilly's death has felt like a surreal dream, so I keep my friends out of it. If the people around me don't know how I'm feeling, am I even feeling it? Is it even happening?
Miles and I have been dating since about halfway through sophomore year. Again, it's a pretty superficial relationship. We talk about school and his part-time job and sports and movies, but not about our interpersonal lives or anything like that. He sometimes tells me when he's having family conflicts, but I don't share my burdens with him. We've said "I love you" a few times, but the first time he said it to me I couldn't say it back. I think he might feel insecure in our relationship because of that. I try to make him feel wanted and loved, but I'm dealing with my own issues so it's hard to manage that and also keep myself afloat. Through most of our relationship, I've been dealing with Tilly's death, so I also feel guilt that I've been neglecting our relationship. Miles is very patient and understanding though, which I appreciate.
Kaliope is an enigma to me. She's gorgeous and confident, but she's also playing D&D. I'm thinking she should be on the squad with Vera and me, throwing high kicks and hooking up with the football players, not stuck behind her computer pretending to be an elf. She comes across to me as knowledgeable and curious, lacking empathy. Upon meeting Kelly, I can see how wrong the latter is. She is kind and full of love, particularly for my sister. I'm embarrassed by my reaction to her disability, but seeing her both in the game and in real life, it's easy for me to move past it and see her for her personality. I'm definitely not used to seeing people with disabilities, as it's clear I ignored Kelly in school because she uses crutches. Anything outside of my definition of "normal" is a shock to my conditioned brain, so I block it out instead of confront or try to challenge that reaction.
I think Orcus is a bit of an idiot. He traded Tilly's soul for a gaming system, which makes me immediately dislike him. He's dismissive, uninterested, and not focused throughout the campaign. We don't interact much in the game, but when I meet Ronnie, I think he's a bit of a naive goofball. I see him as a gamer boy with not much else going on behind the eyes, which is definitely prejudiced and not an open-minded look at him, but I'm a pretty superficial teenager.
Lilith really infuriates me at first. She's combative and aggressive, which isn't what I'm used to seeing in girls under my heteronormative view. I don't like that she owns her sexuality by wearing revealing clothing and I don't like that she's closer to my sister than I ever tried to be. I only care about her and her death in the game because Tilly cares for her so much. Lilly, however, is someone I'm very interested in getting to know. I see Lilly as the key to learning about my sister's true character, no matter the personal cost to Lilly. I don't understand why someone wouldn't want to talk about their sexuality or their relationships because my own relationships have never been discriminated against. Pushing Lilly to talk about her sexuality and relationship with Tilly is a result of my complete lack of awareness about discrimination and hate against LGBT+ folks.
I don't know Tina and Gabbi practically at all. I met them once at the squad mixer at the start of the year, but that was months ago and I was clouded by a deep depression because of Tilly's recent death. I'm infuriated in general by girls on the freshman squad because they're so perky (which is why Vera and I are such a good match as friends), so having them claim they knew my sister when they clearly did not really sets me off.
I want to learn who my sister really was while she was alive through her D&D diary. I only know my sister through my limited memories of her, so this is important for me to understand her as a whole person and not just a reflection of my memories. I want to glean as much information as possible from her D&D campaign with the help of Chuck and the rest of my party.
I haven't come to terms with the fact Tilly is dead and that I neglected her while she was alive. My memories surrounding Tilly as she was when she died are limited and negative. She was my annoying, geeky little sister that I ignored as much as possible and wished didn't exist. My guilt over how I treated her is in the way of me moving on from her death and having a positive memory of her. I deal with this by being evasive about the subject of her death (characters often reference how I never talk about Tilly) and by being overly sarcastic and cynical to hide the fact that I'm hurting.
I also have significant internalized homophobia that's preventing me from relating to her and those who were in her life in a meaningful way. It's unfathomable to me that Tilly was romantically involved with a girl because she never told me this herself, even though we didn't talk about those things at all. I deal with this by deflecting my emotions, denying my homophobia, and blaming Tilly for not sharing her life with me.
I achieve my objective by making connections with Chuck and, through him, Tilly's D&D friends. My behavior varies throughout the show, starting off enthusiastic and confident in my knowledge of Tilly, degrading to insecurity, guilt, and remorse, and then building up to pride and love for my sister. At the start, I'm unsure about how playing the D&D campaign will be beneficial and help me recover my sister's memory. This makes me both curious about the game and defensive of my own actions. I'm sarcastic and inquisitive, but never fully commit myself to suspending disbelief in favor of the game. Discovering that Tilly is gay is the first time I'm combative and prying, showing that I'm upset I didn't know this information and still care enough about my sister to want to know it now. Talking to Lilly for the first time is also a indicative of my prying behavior (trying to pull out information about Lilly's sexuality), as well as a display of my blatant ignorance. Vera comes to save me by explaining how being in the closet works; I'm new to this idea, so it takes a few scenes for me to circle back to Lilly and apologize for my previous behavior. I'm in denial that my sister is dead the entire show, except for two instances. The first is where Lilith dies in game and I decide to leave the campaign and the second is at the very end. When Lilith dies is when I'm faced for the first time with the reality that Tilly isn't real in the game and that it's just her journal we're reading. I'm combative, angry, and defensive because I want my sister to be alive so I can tell her I love her and ask her everything I want to know. The second time is finally from a place of genuine understanding and acceptance. The end of the show, when I've faced Tiamat (a symbolic representation of my guilt, grief, and denial), I'm finally able to accept that my sister is dead, but her story and memory doesn't have to be. I can keep her alive through both my memories and the memories of everyone who knew her. I find out that I can build upon what I knew of my sister without having to talk to her face to face. I approach this moment with tenderness and love, because I'm proud of who my sister was and proud of how I'll be able to remember her moving forward.
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